Pain

Despite the title of this blog, I haven’t actually written much about pain. Possibly because I try not to think  about it. Sometimes though I just can’t help but vent. A blog is as good a place as any.

So, pain.
Physical, mind fucking pain.
Constant pain.
For years.
That doesn’t stop.
That won’t stop.
EVER.

A short Sappho fragment has been translated as “pain drips”. She was most likely talking about emotional pain, but it is relevant. It is one of my favorite descriptions of pain. The slow, constant, endless, drip drip drip…

What even is this blog??

This blog started out as a rant, a rant from a sick person in pain about all the stupid shit around her in the media and our culture. Then it went on a bit of a Marxist tangent, and then took a turn towards a bit of a queer politics.

It has been a while since I have written because I have been ill. Diagnosed with Adrenal Insufficiency (from now on known on this blog as AI) and trying to get my medication levels sorted has been a bit of nightmare. Part of said nightmare has been extreme anxiety (a symptom of AI), leaving me unable to even think about writing without having a panic attack. 3 weeks after upping my SSRI’s and I am feeling a bit better. However, I am having to force myself to write this post. I want to write, I need to keep writing, I don’t want to lose it as a skill, I want to improve, and the only way to do so, is to KEEP WRITING!!!

However, at this point I don’t really have much to say other than #worldisfukt. It is fucked up in so many many ways and it just seems as though it will never be unfucked.  We like to kid ourselves though, we ignore the stats, we ignore what is right in front of us, we ignore the suffering we see because it is just too fucking much to deal with and we have no easy solutions. We pick the easy fights. By we, I mean the privileged middle class feminists who spend their time fighting for diversity on the catwalk, women on boards, same-sex marriage or one of the many number of pet projects that don’t really make a difference. Okay, so they aren’t me, not anymore, but they are my peers. We are distracted by the representation of equality, rather than addressing the fact that the system is fundamentally fucked. We are ignoring the fact that even the very notion of equality under a capitalist system is a fucking joke, and that we need to try to think beyond the ideology, beyond this all pervasive idea that capitalism is the natural order. It isn’t, it is a creation, and we must think beyond it if we are to have any hope at all of living in a world in which people are not enslaved, are not dying of curable diseases, are not literally starving to death.

Okay, that got a bit serious, it isn’t what this blog post was supposed to be about. It is supposed to be about me!!! so rant over. For now, I don’t want to be thinking about how fucked up the world is, I need to relax. So, I will try to focus on something else, probably myself and my own life challenges. Which are rather insignificant the scheme of things, but they are mine, so they are important to me.

I think this blog will turn into a bit of a journal, I’ll try to keep in mind that people may be reading it and try not to too boring and self-involved. But it’s a blog, what are they for if not indulging one’s own inner dialogues and getting all the thoughts out of one’s head. I am going  to try to write something most days. We shall see…

In the meantime, here is picture of the view from the balcony of our apartment in Gosford, NSW, Australia. It is here that, weather permitting, I do most of my reading and writing and thinking, and drinking of coffee, and sipping of wine, and eating of cheese and crackers… you get the idea.

2015-01-25 06.05.24-2

‘A Productive member of society’

Basically, shit happens, and you are powerless in the face of global economic systems and, for lack of a better word, fortune.

The social model of disability is correct. However, for those of us who are chronically ill and in pain, it is Medical research that has the greatest potential to change our lives. Sure, there are things that will make my life easier (decent voice activation software – which I can’t afford, better chairs in public places, an enforced ban on smoking). However, the pain will still be there, my asthma will still be there, it is a matter of degrees.

The effect of chronic pain and illness on our society is always measured in dollars. That is the system we are ruled by. Governments are always focused on turning us into “productive members of society” but seriously, fuck that, this should NOT be the goal. 

We are told in insidious Centrelink advertising that those of us on disability pensions need to get a job because it will “give us a sense of self worth”. THIS is the whole problem in a nutshell. We are told, that if we do not participate in labour, that we are useless, that we are bad people, that we are “bludgers”, “scabs”, “layabouts”, “A waste on the tax payer’s purse”, and “burdens”. This is ideology, this is capitalism.